Updated! ~

New Jokes..

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit;

she asked her son - to use his own phone to pass an urgent message to daddy who is at work site.

After the son had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile phone.

(Women!!) She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work site, immediately when she saw him, she gave him a very hot tight slap.

While the hubby was trying to ask why the slap? She repeated the slap, people from the neighborhood rushed around to know what is happening

The man asked the son to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, the son said

" the number u are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment. Pls Try Again Later".

.........................................................................................................

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said.

"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.

It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen,"

...............................................................................

Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : I will choose my own bride!
Father: But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.
Son : Well, in that case… ok!

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry!
Father: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case… ok

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. President: But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!
Father: But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case… ok!

this is how u become a BIG SHOT...

............................................................................

Kevin wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Kevin got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you".

But the girl said "NO".

Kevin said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend...

So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get hispants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened

She responded, “ the bastard used coins! ”

Check before you call

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her..... you know the kind.

So he is back in the room and figures, what the hell, give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
I'm talking kinky the whole night long.
You name it, we'll do it.
Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

stupidity

On walking into the factory, the manager noticed a young boy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.

He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2 000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the manager took out his wallet and removed $ 6,000.00 cash then gave it to the young man and said: "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here's 3 months' salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a Few onlookers, the manager said in a very upset manner: "And that applies for everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?"

To which an amazing reply came: "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!!!"

Pics ~

Another Ah Beng Joke..

Ah Beng went to take night courses for the reason in future can get promotion or better job. During work, Ah Beng likes to show off to Ah Seng about his knowledge.

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... I've been taking night courses for 3 months already, next week is the exam.

Ah Seng: Oh... Good luck ah.

Then Ah Beng started show off...
Ah Beng: Ok, I test you, who is Graham Bell?

Ah Seng: Don't know
Ah Beng: He is the inventor of phone la... in 1876, see... if you take night courses, you would know this.

Ah Seng: ..................... .. *speechless*

The next day, Ah Beng shows off again...
Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... let me ask you, who is Jea n Jacques Rousseau?

Ah Seng: Wash your toilet one ah?

Ah Beng: No! He's the author of "Confessions", nah nah nah... told you already, if you take night courses, you would know this.

Ah Seng: ......................... *speechless + frustrated*

The next day, once again...
Ah Beng: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

Ah Seng: Your gay partner?

Ah Beng: Choiii!!! If you don't know don't simply answer la. He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

Ah Seng: ....................... *speechless + frustrated + irritated
This time Ah Seng cannot tahan (stand) anymore and ask Ah Beng...

Ah Seng: Eh... Do you know who is Ah Kaw?

Ah Beng: Errrr... No!

Ah Seng: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!

Ah Beng: ........................ *fainted*

JOKES and TEARS… OF A HUSBAND

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes! I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have been released today" .....