Ah Beng's Jokes!!

source: hotmail

Firing Squad…
During the Japanese Occupation, Ah Beng, Ah Lok and Ah Piow were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.
That night, Ah Beng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.
The next morning, Ah Lok was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Lok shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Lok made his escape.
Later, the soldiers took Ah Piow out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Piow shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Piow made his escape.
Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready, Aim…..." Then Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

Burnt red ears..
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor- but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So kena lor!" "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. When the doctor finished treating Ah Beng’s right ear, he proceeded to treat Ah Beng’s left ear. The doctor was curious and asked Ah Beng, "I know what happened to your right ear. But why is your left ear also red ?” Ah Beng replied, “That stupid fellow called again !!!”

Motor workshop business...
Ah Beng started a car workshop. He bought the best car servicing equipment and hired all the workers he needed. Then he waited and waited but no cars came for service. After one month, he could not take it anymore and asked his friend. “Heh ! Why no one come to my workshop one ah ?” His friend replied , “ Ah Beng, your garage is on the second floor lah”

Sleeping in class ?..
Ah Beng was in a large class and fell asleep and started snoring. The teacher heard someone snoring and shouted , “Who is snoring ?”. Ah Beng was suddenly woken up by the shout and replied ? “I don’t know sir, I was sleeping”

Summons for illegal parking..
Ah Beng was rushing for a meeting in a busy shopping complex. When he arrived, the car parks were all full. So he circled the car park nearly 100 times but could not find one. Finally he decided to do an illegal parking and put a note on his wind screen, “I have gone round the car park 100 times and could not find a parking space. Please forgive me for my trespasses”.
When Ah Beng came back, he got back to his car and found a parking ticket and a note, “I have been rounding the car park for the last 10 years. If I do not give you a ticket, I will be in trouble. Lead me not into temptation”.

With his mathematics teacher..
Ah Beng’s mathematics teacher asked him, “ If I have 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges on the other, what would I have?

The smart aleck Ah Beng said, “You have very big hands, Sir ”

Free hair cut..
One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut. After the cut he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing a community service. The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and one dozen roses waiting at his door. On the second day, a cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: I'm sorry I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service. The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and one dozen donuts waiting at his door. On the third day, Ah Beng goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: I'm sorry I can't accept money from you, I'm doing a community service. Ah Beng is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop.
Guess what he finds there???

Ah Beng and a dozen of his friends waiting for a free haircut!!!!


In a court room...
Judge to Ah Beng: Ah Beng, you should be ashamed of yourself. This is the third time you are coming here this year . When are you going to improve yourself ?


Ah Beng to judge: But sir, you come here evely day ?

COINCIDENCE...
Teacher: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
Ah Beng : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." Coincidence or not ?”.

Space exploration...
One day, Ah Beng was having a discussion with his American and Russian friend. They were boasting how great their countries were. So the American said "By 2020, we in America will be sending our space shuttle to Mars". The Russian friend thought for a while and wanted to beat the American and said ," By 2020, the Russians will be sending the space shuttle to Venus". Ah Beng thought for a while and wanted to beat both of them. So Ah Beng said 'By 2020, we will be sending our space shuttle to the Sun".

There was silence for a moment. Then the curious American asked Ah Beng, "Ah Beng, don't you think the sun is too hot for the space shuttle to land ?". So Ah Beng replied, "Don’t worry lah, we will make our landing in the evening. Evening, not so hot lo…".

Kenarigangz and Tarcians at Genting (18/08/08)

answer!! ( from the touching story )

Well, the husband said ... ' you bring me bad luck! '

Guessing again!!! ( A touching Story )

A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days. When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side.He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with my studies in the University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even had to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..."He added, " ...then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me." His wife was in tears.The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I was never promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me..."His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him, " And now I meet with an accident and when I wake up you are here with me. There's something I'll really like to say to you..." She flung herself on the bed and hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion.Finally her husband said, "..........."
What he actually said??

Jokes again!!

source : hotmail
Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct.
Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking whenpeople are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

randomly picked

Another lame lame lame joke....

An 80-year old man goes in for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! The light goes off. "WOW, That's incredible" the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! the light goes off? "Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
........................................................................................................

There were two nuns.. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), And the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants .
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes At the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only Logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is Worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run As fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

Hehe... what happened then? guess la!!

Business lessons (PART 2)

Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: B *l l S ** t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter.. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who s # its on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of s # it is your friend..(3) And when you are in deep s # it, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
.........THIS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE...........
(special credits for KenarigangZ)

Business lessons (PART 1)

Hey hey.. since kenarigangz are from business course.. we would like 2 share some of d business lessons with u all..
Source:received through hotmail..

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs . When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies . 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity .

Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff!: She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Raining AGAIN on THURSDAY!!!!!

Today is Thursday and it is supposed to be our Sport Day especially for futsal. Unfortunately... the futsal waz canceled 'again' due to the bad weather... haizz.. wishing gudluck for next week!

At 4pm, we started our journey home lo. On the way.... 'I FORGOT TO TAKE MY PLASTIC BAG!!!!' so we have go back all the way to the college to take it. We wasted around 15 mins. On the way home, there's another DISASTER! guess what? Traffic jam again.. We stucked at d traffic jam around 30 mins. Finally we reached home and went for mamak(Berkeley's) to makan 'kao kao' cuz all of us were so hungry.. especially THEM.. hehe

Annoucing the members of KenarigangZ...

O.O lame king MK =D
* pronounced dead XD

our papa(S) sleeping soundly and cute-ly ^^V
hungry until bottle oso wan telaN @@
nyam nyam *d bottle tastes nice*
papa(S) wiping his mouth after eating
papa(s) dreamingbout mother(sw) =D

AGAIN!! there's our sleeping daddyS

during econs lecture... no electricity! all playing phone

me , keith and kengfai!

................ ( yeng ! )

TAR College Rockzz!

Lame Jokes ( siew wah )

1) Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin. Mom asked "How do you know?" Girl replied "Last night when we made love, his cock was still inplastic cover."

(2) Bangladesh Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me sick."Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it." 2 hours later Bangladesh Worker: "Boss! It worked! Me ok now. You gotnice house."

(3) After sex, Thai girl kept fondling man's cock.Man asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?"Thai Girl replied: "No lah, just admiring your cock. I used to have one before."

(4) Women's lives are hard. Morning wash clothes. Noon hang clothes.Evening keep clothes. Nite iron clothes.Midnight take off clothes. After midnight find clothes.

(5) To make it straight she pulls it. To make it stand she rubs it. To make it stiff she licks it. To let it in she pushes it. True?Threading a needle is not easy.

(6) Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:"Anyone got a cock?" All men rose."I meant anyone seen a cock?" All women rose. "I mean anyone seen my cock?" All nuns rose.

(7) A Sad story. A woman's husband died & she had him cremated.She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said" Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you."

(8) Girl: "Mom what is a penis?"Mom: "When you become a good girl you will get one."Girl: "But mom what if I am not a good girl?"Mom: "Then you will get many!"

(9) A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:"If I give you $3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"Secretary: "Everything sir! Dress, Bra and Panties."

(10) Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class."Teacher: "Why?"Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."

(11) Two sperms talking on mobile. Ist: "I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus. Are you closeby?"2nd: "No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing thetonsils."

(12) Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a PENIS. This is because it can be lifted up even by a simple thought