New Jokes..

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit;

she asked her son - to use his own phone to pass an urgent message to daddy who is at work site.

After the son had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile phone.

(Women!!) She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work site, immediately when she saw him, she gave him a very hot tight slap.

While the hubby was trying to ask why the slap? She repeated the slap, people from the neighborhood rushed around to know what is happening

The man asked the son to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, the son said

" the number u are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment. Pls Try Again Later".

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"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said.

"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.

It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen,"

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Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : I will choose my own bride!
Father: But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.
Son : Well, in that case… ok!

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry!
Father: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case… ok

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. President: But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!
Father: But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case… ok!

this is how u become a BIG SHOT...

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Kevin wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Kevin got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you".

But the girl said "NO".

Kevin said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend...

So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get hispants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened

She responded, “ the bastard used coins! ”

Check before you call

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her..... you know the kind.

So he is back in the room and figures, what the hell, give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
I'm talking kinky the whole night long.
You name it, we'll do it.
Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

stupidity

On walking into the factory, the manager noticed a young boy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.

He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2 000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the manager took out his wallet and removed $ 6,000.00 cash then gave it to the young man and said: "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here's 3 months' salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a Few onlookers, the manager said in a very upset manner: "And that applies for everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?"

To which an amazing reply came: "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!!!"

Pics ~

Another Ah Beng Joke..

Ah Beng went to take night courses for the reason in future can get promotion or better job. During work, Ah Beng likes to show off to Ah Seng about his knowledge.

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... I've been taking night courses for 3 months already, next week is the exam.

Ah Seng: Oh... Good luck ah.

Then Ah Beng started show off...
Ah Beng: Ok, I test you, who is Graham Bell?

Ah Seng: Don't know
Ah Beng: He is the inventor of phone la... in 1876, see... if you take night courses, you would know this.

Ah Seng: ..................... .. *speechless*

The next day, Ah Beng shows off again...
Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... let me ask you, who is Jea n Jacques Rousseau?

Ah Seng: Wash your toilet one ah?

Ah Beng: No! He's the author of "Confessions", nah nah nah... told you already, if you take night courses, you would know this.

Ah Seng: ......................... *speechless + frustrated*

The next day, once again...
Ah Beng: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

Ah Seng: Your gay partner?

Ah Beng: Choiii!!! If you don't know don't simply answer la. He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

Ah Seng: ....................... *speechless + frustrated + irritated
This time Ah Seng cannot tahan (stand) anymore and ask Ah Beng...

Ah Seng: Eh... Do you know who is Ah Kaw?

Ah Beng: Errrr... No!

Ah Seng: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!

Ah Beng: ........................ *fainted*

JOKES and TEARS… OF A HUSBAND

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes! I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have been released today" .....

Sunday's Jokes ^^

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied,
“I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

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"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said.
"Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

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An investment firm is hiring mathematicians. After the first round of interviews, three hopeful recent graduates - a pure mathematician, an applied mathematician, and a graduate in mathematical finance - are asked what starting salary they are expecting.

The pure mathematician: "Would $30,000 be too much?"
The applied mathematician: "I think $60,000 would be OK."
The math finance person: "What about $300,000?"

The personnel officer is flabberghasted: "Do you know that we have a graduate in pure mathematics who is willing to do the same work for a tenth of what you are demanding!?"

"Well, I thought of $135,000 for me, $135,000 for you - and $30,000 for the pure mathematician who will do the work."

A story to share...

Mr Kitahara is a famous Japanese TV satire movie star cum director.. He has recently won another international film award. A few years ago his mother passed away. He went home to attend her funeral. He never quite liked his mother, because she kept asking him for money. Should he missed a payment, his mother would call him up and scolded him. On top of that, the more famous he became the more money his mother demanded from him. When he arrived at the funeral, he still cried very miserably. He felt that he did not fulfill his duties as a son to take care of his mother during her living years. At the end of the service, as he was about to leave, his brother handed him a small parcel saying,"Mother asked me to pass this to you." Carefully he opened the parcel. He found within, a savings passbook and a letter. The savings account was under his name with a balance of tens of million Yen. In the letter his mother wrote, 'Dear son, among all my children, you are the one whom got me most worried. You were never an academic, a true spendthrift and over generous to your friends. When I knew that you were going to work in Tokyo, I was worried that one day you would become a bankrupt. That is why I insist on you sending me money every month. This is to give you a drive to earn more money, at the same time help you to save. Here is all your money, I did not have to spend a cent, for your brother has taken care of me very well. Now take the money and spend wisely."

After reading the letter he broke down with tears and sorrow...

Turner Brown?

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch long, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says: What's wrong with you?
In a weak voice the little guy says, "W... w... what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch long,, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.

"The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!... Phew, I thought you said: Turn around!"

Just Some Jokes!!

Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive rather than blood donation? Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!


Man No 1 : "My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my dick & said 'first gear, 2nd gear..." Man No 2 : "My wife is worse! She puts my dick inside her & said "Full tank please."


Question : What is the closest thing that is similar to a woman's period? Answer : Your SALARY! It comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days & if it doesn't come, you're in big trouble!


A woman gave birth to 6 babies. On seeing this she got off the hospital bed, slapped her husband & shouted, "I told you not to do it doggy style!"


A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank. The teller says, "Sorry, madam, this note is a fake." "Oh no!" exclaimed the prostitute, "I have been RAPED!"


"Your secretary publicly said you have a small dick, what would you comment on this?" "The truth is = she has a big mouth!"


A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a big fart after making love. She said, "Aww, so sorry... excuse me pleazo, Front hole is so happy that my back hole laugh out loud!"


Love is a complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.


What's the difference between biology and sociology? When the baby looks like his mom or dad = it's biology. When he looks like the neighbour,= it is sociology.


What do u call the useless piece of flesh attached to the dick ? = The MAN.


Whoever first said "A dog is man's best friend" = he must have never seen a pussy before..


Why is breast milk good for health? Because it is great for blood circulation, provides heat, is refreshing and comes in attractive containers.


Why was the two-piece bikini invented? To separate the meat section from the dairy section.


A mother was scolding the daughter, "I don't like the guy you are going out with. He is too dumb." "No, Mama," she said, "He is going to be a doctor. See, he has already cured me of that illness that I used to have every month